I've been reflecting on my journey to Uganda.
It's hard to not be overwhelmed with the goodness of God.
I look around and all I have, all I am is because of Him.
The journey He took me on to get here to this place was not an easy one. But I love to tell the story because it reflects God. His goodness, His love, His faithfulness, His sovereignty. I love the story because it's His story.
I look back and I see Him.
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I first set foot in this beautiful country a year and a half ago. I loved everything about it. I loved the adventure, traveling with my best friend, the people, the pace of life, the culture, the chance to get to know God in a deeper way, being pushed outside of my comfort zone. I just loved life in Uganda. I left after a short 3 weeks and immediately wanted to go back. I thought, who couldn't fall in love with a place like that! But thought that maybe after some time the excitement would wear off. I would go back to "normal" life. That's not really what I wanted though.
I constantly prayed that God would make it clear where He wanted me to serve Him. Whether that be at home or overseas, Africa or somewhere else, and I waited on Him, although very impatiently at times.
I had been home for a couple months and Africa was on my mind everyday. I was wondering if maybe, God had given me this desire for a reason. If He was placing this thought in my mind, this dream in my heart. It seemed crazy. It's not something I ever imagined myself doing. Not until a year and a half ago. So I kept praying, asking God, Is this really where you want me to go? Is this really what you want me to do? Where you want me to serve You? Lord, make the desires of your heart, my heart. If my desire to return to Uganda is not from your heart, take it away.
The thought never left.
And then there was this program, One Step. Paul Hunter had first mentioned it to me when I was in Uganda. A 3 month intercultural, relational, discipleship program. I wasn't really sure about One Step, but it also kept coming to mind.
All of this. It was constantly on my mind, I was constantly talking to God. Eventually I decided to talk to my parents. It was the first of several discussions and conversations. I had only been home a few months. They had concerns. 3 months is a long time. What would I do about my job? I'd be gone during the school year. What would my students do? All valid questions. Questions I'd been thinking about for the past 3 months. Dad and Mom said they'd talk about it and pray about it. After some time, we sat down and they said no. They didn't want me to go. I had a really hard time accepting and understanding that. Why would God give me this desire, why did I feel so strongly that He wanted me to go, and why then would He tell my parents something different? I became angry, hurt, confused, and I no longer knew what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I felt lost. I spent the next 5 months struggling with these thoughts, these questions. Why do I feel God telling me one thing and my parents telling me another? Why are the two not lining up? People would ask me why I couldn't just go. I can't count how many times people told me, You're an adult. Why don't you just make your own decision? But I knew that I had to honor my parents. Unfortunately, I did it because I felt I had to, not because I wanted to.
Through all of my struggling and wrestling, trying to understand what I was supposed to be doing, I kept praying. That's all I felt I could do. I had completely closed off all communication with my parents. I never spoke to them about Africa. I barely spoke to them at all.
Over those few months, God taught me more and more what it really looked like to trust Him. To truly trust Him with everything. I felt that I had reached a dead end. I had hit a wall that I couldn't climb and I couldn't get around. More months went by, and as much as I prayed that God would take away my dream of returning to Africa, it just wouldn't go away. Again I was confused. Why couldn't I stop thinking about Uganda? Why was One Step on my mind? This dream was impossible. My parents already said no. It was final.
I remember one specific night. I had traveled to Idaho to visit my best friend, Rose. I happened to be there the same weekend Paul and Pam Hunter and their daughter Rebecca were visiting her church to promote Next Generation Ministries and the One Step program. It was the first time I had a chance to sit down and talk with Rose since we had returned from Uganda 4 months earlier. I was finally able to share with her everything that had been going on. She cried with me. Encouraged me. We then sat through church that evening and listened to Paul's presentation. It made me miss Uganda like crazy, but I also felt completely hopeless. I felt I had hit the bottom. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I felt completely drained. I couldn't go on like this anymore.
I went back home and after weeks and weeks of praying about it, I decided I had to talk to my parents again. I was afraid to speak to them. Afraid they would be offended that I hadn't forgotten about Africa and moved on. To my surprise, they said it had also been on their minds and they had been praying about it. They said that they would talk about it again. It wasn't a yes, but I was overjoyed. There was hope. But more than that, I realized just how closed off I had become and coming to talk to my parents opened up communication with them again. I think that's what brought me so much peace. I realized just how much I needed them. Their wisdom, their counsel. God just revealed to me this deep appreciation and love for them and it brought so much comfort to my troubled, confused mind. I had distanced myself so much that it has taken a bit of time to restore relationships, but God has blessed me beyond belief with parents who love me with an unconditional love. And I can't express how much they mean to me. It was another lesson that God taught me through it all. I looked back over the past several months and I realized what He was doing. I had to learn to be satisfied in Him. I needed to learn to trust Him. He wanted to grow my relationship and teach me to love and appreciate my parents.
After a couple more months, my parents came to me. They told me that I could go. They said if this is really something I wanted to do, if I wanted to enroll in One Step, they would support me. That phrase right there. We will support you. I had prayed specifically for that. I didn't want for them to just tell me that they would be ok if I went. I wanted their support. When I heard my dad speak those words, I knew God was in this. He was opening doors. And I was overwhelmed with thankfulness. I remember going to my room, kneeling on the floor, and crying. Praising the Lord. Thanking Him. Not just for making a way for me to return to Uganda, but for loving and caring for me enough to not say yes. Not when I wanted it. He said no so I could grow. He was preparing me. He is an incredibly good Father. His love is overwhelming and so hard to comprehend.
It was February. I was more excited than I could express. I had just learned that I would actually be returning to where I left a piece of my heart. God had answered all of my prayers that I had prayed over the past 9 months. It almost seemed to good to be true.
But the very next day, everything changed. All the excitement disappeared and was instead replaced by fear and doubt. This is crazy. What am I thinking leaving for 3 months? Traveling by myself. Living in another culture. Living with a bunch of people I don't even know. Leaving my family who had become so dear to me. Leaving the comfort and safety of my familiar surroundings. I can't do this. These thoughts messed with me for months.
There were times I would feel excited. Talking to friends in Uganda and hearing them say how they couldn't wait to see me again, that made me excited. But for the most part, I was really scared. Terrified that I was making the wrong decision. I battled that fear and doubt and continued to prepare to leave in September knowing that I had wanted this for so long and God had opened all the doors for me to go. But I kept second guessing my decision. I now realize those thoughts were from the enemy.
Yes, this is where I'm supposed to be. It took all the way until stepping off the plane in Uganda for me to realize this.
This is where I am supposed to be. And here I am.
I am so thankful for a God who knows what's best for me. Who withholds the things that I think I want to give me something better.
I still don't know what my future holds after One Step. But I am content knowing He holds my life in His hands. And His plans are so much greater than I could even desire.
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That is a small part of His story that continues unfolding daily. But I felt like sharing how I got here, how amazing God is in how He works, and I hope it blesses you in some way. :)
Psalm 115:1.
