For My Good & His Glory.

It will always surprise me just how fast life can change. All of a sudden finding ourselves running to catch up or just trying to catch the pieces as everything falls apart. Grasping at air hoping to make sense of life while wondering what in the world just happened.

In the span of one year, my world had been flipped upside down & spun around in so many ways. I had thought everything was finally falling into place, but it began to feel as though it were all actually just falling apart. My life, my relationships, my faith. 

In a few short months, everything I so deeply desired, my passions, the life I felt God had called me to, was all placed right in the hands of someone else. All that I was fighting for appeared to come so easily to everyone but me & where I had once dreamed & found purpose, I watched it all slowly slip right through my fingers. 

Whether reality or just perception, I felt like an outsider, unloved, unwanted, invisible, voiceless, & so alone. Being accused of things I couldn't control & losing the only people I thought I could rely on, I felt manipulated by an illusion of love & trust. Used until "something" better came along & I was no longer needed. 

My faith was being challenged in every way. Everything I had been taught, everything I thought I believed felt like it was balancing on the edge of a cliff of uncertainty.

The following months were spent recovering in a sense & trying to untangle a web of confusion, fighting the lies & seeking answers to the "whys". At last I saw the slightest glimmer of light at the end of this unforeseen tunnel. I thought maybe this was where I would begin to make sense of it all & come to an understanding of what the Lord was doing in the mess of my life. I felt hurt & betrayed by so many people. I also knew I'd made some big mistakes & was simultaneously dealing with harsh regrets from my past. I knew that I had so much to learn & but also that the Lord was doing something in my heart. 

But every time I thought I was one step closer to rebuilding, I was torn down by criticism for my choices & decisions, criticism given by well-meaning people. But there I'd find myself right back where I had started. I spent months repeating this cycle over & over until I felt so lost & beyond confused. I pushed away from everyone & everything to spare myself from feeling rejected, unwanted & unloved.

I remember vividly one Sunday, I knew I couldn't go on anymore. I couldn't hold in the hurt & pain & it all came out like a flood as I sat crying on my mom's bed. Attentively listening & carefully comforting me, what she said to me in that moment lifted a weight off my shoulders that I hadn't realized was there until it was gone. She simply told me, I didn't need to listen to everyone else. Whether or not these people meant well, I had to do what I needed to be able to heal. Her words gave me permission to say no to well-meaning, nosy people & gave me strength to move past the past. Her love & comfort released me from a burden I felt I was carrying all alone. My mom's words & love are something the Lord used to help me begin to heal.

This particular part of my story began nearly 3 years ago. And it has taken me that long to get to a place where I can make an attempt to express my heart during this season. To this day the Lord continues to reveal things to me about that specific time in my life, things that help me make sense of it & also help me better understand how to work through these issues, for my own benefit & to encourage others. That means seeking His truth, searching His Word & arming myself to fight the battles. Fighting lies I believed about myself & about God, replacing them with truth.

One of the greatest things I've learned is that in the loneliness, the brokenness, the confusion, one thing remained. God remained. He remained true, unchanging, faithful. He never left me. Not in my sin, not in my struggle. He never failed to give me grace for the day. He loved me, cared for me. Yet He convicted me & challenged me. He taught me forgiveness, and continues to do so. He strengthened my faith in ways that I never would've experienced otherwise & began to reveal the good he was bringing about out of one of the most difficult years of my life. He was continuing His work of sanctification in my life, making me more like Himself. 

Looking back through all of the hard and difficult places, I can now say with absolute certainty that He was working all things for good. It's taken me a long time to be able to say that & really mean it. And as hard as it is to reflect on that time, I truly believe & trust that it was all for my good & His glory. And I am stronger in every way because of it.

I said before it seemed as though everything I was fighting for came so easily to others. And I think that's exactly it. I was fighting. But for the wrong things.

I was looking for acceptance & love in the wrong places. The desires & calling I was striving for was being held in my closed fist, not trusting the Lord to use them to accomplish His purpose. I was trying to work things out according to my own agenda. I was so focused on myself & I was blaming everyone else for the hurt & pain I was experiencing, rather than examining my own heart & letting my struggle draw me nearer to the Lord. I'm learning that I don't have to ignore that fact that I was wronged or blame myself for everything. And I don't have to pretend that I wasn't hurt. But I've come to understand that isn't the point. Whether or not people hate me or falsely accuse me, I am only responsible for my own heart. And although it took a long time, and I'm still making daily choices to forgive & make peace with others & myself, I'm so grateful the Lord pursued me, & continues to do so, bringing me back to His truth & changing my heart. And that He is still working everything, even my brokenness, for good.

I've made the choice to share this, all this time later, because it is finally coming out of a place of encouragement & hope, rather than out of bitterness & anger. 

So dear friend, whatever struggle you are fighting or if you've given up fighting altogether, whether it be something big or small, I pray this is a message of hope & encouragement to you in this moment.
I know how difficult life becomes in the middle of those hard places, trying to make sense of it all on your own. And I honestly believe that the struggle becomes harder when we try to bear it alone. Suffering in silence weighs you down & destroys you inside. Speaking out lifts a huge weight that allows us to let go & begin to heal.
But hear me, I am not telling you to share your heart with just anyone. There are people who will take advantage of that & do more hurt than help. This is important. Find someone trustworthy, someone who will truly listen, someone who will speak Truth in love to you, point you to Scripture, & walk with you in your struggle.
And whatever you may be experiencing, shame or brokenness, confusion or loneliness, hear this.
It is not a sign of His abandonment. He is with you, & that is a promise. That is His promise. And whether or not it makes sense here on earth, I wholeheartedly believe & want you to know that you can trust His promises & you can trust Him. Trust that He is working all things out, even in the pain, for our good & ultimately for His glory. And sometimes that is all we have to lean on & that's okay.

♡♡