For My Good & His Glory.

It will always surprise me just how fast life can change. All of a sudden finding ourselves running to catch up or just trying to catch the pieces as everything falls apart. Grasping at air hoping to make sense of life while wondering what in the world just happened.

In the span of one year, my world had been flipped upside down & spun around in so many ways. I had thought everything was finally falling into place, but it began to feel as though it were all actually just falling apart. My life, my relationships, my faith. 

In a few short months, everything I so deeply desired, my passions, the life I felt God had called me to, was all placed right in the hands of someone else. All that I was fighting for appeared to come so easily to everyone but me & where I had once dreamed & found purpose, I watched it all slowly slip right through my fingers. 

Whether reality or just perception, I felt like an outsider, unloved, unwanted, invisible, voiceless, & so alone. Being accused of things I couldn't control & losing the only people I thought I could rely on, I felt manipulated by an illusion of love & trust. Used until "something" better came along & I was no longer needed. 

My faith was being challenged in every way. Everything I had been taught, everything I thought I believed felt like it was balancing on the edge of a cliff of uncertainty.

The following months were spent recovering in a sense & trying to untangle a web of confusion, fighting the lies & seeking answers to the "whys". At last I saw the slightest glimmer of light at the end of this unforeseen tunnel. I thought maybe this was where I would begin to make sense of it all & come to an understanding of what the Lord was doing in the mess of my life. I felt hurt & betrayed by so many people. I also knew I'd made some big mistakes & was simultaneously dealing with harsh regrets from my past. I knew that I had so much to learn & but also that the Lord was doing something in my heart. 

But every time I thought I was one step closer to rebuilding, I was torn down by criticism for my choices & decisions, criticism given by well-meaning people. But there I'd find myself right back where I had started. I spent months repeating this cycle over & over until I felt so lost & beyond confused. I pushed away from everyone & everything to spare myself from feeling rejected, unwanted & unloved.

I remember vividly one Sunday, I knew I couldn't go on anymore. I couldn't hold in the hurt & pain & it all came out like a flood as I sat crying on my mom's bed. Attentively listening & carefully comforting me, what she said to me in that moment lifted a weight off my shoulders that I hadn't realized was there until it was gone. She simply told me, I didn't need to listen to everyone else. Whether or not these people meant well, I had to do what I needed to be able to heal. Her words gave me permission to say no to well-meaning, nosy people & gave me strength to move past the past. Her love & comfort released me from a burden I felt I was carrying all alone. My mom's words & love are something the Lord used to help me begin to heal.

This particular part of my story began nearly 3 years ago. And it has taken me that long to get to a place where I can make an attempt to express my heart during this season. To this day the Lord continues to reveal things to me about that specific time in my life, things that help me make sense of it & also help me better understand how to work through these issues, for my own benefit & to encourage others. That means seeking His truth, searching His Word & arming myself to fight the battles. Fighting lies I believed about myself & about God, replacing them with truth.

One of the greatest things I've learned is that in the loneliness, the brokenness, the confusion, one thing remained. God remained. He remained true, unchanging, faithful. He never left me. Not in my sin, not in my struggle. He never failed to give me grace for the day. He loved me, cared for me. Yet He convicted me & challenged me. He taught me forgiveness, and continues to do so. He strengthened my faith in ways that I never would've experienced otherwise & began to reveal the good he was bringing about out of one of the most difficult years of my life. He was continuing His work of sanctification in my life, making me more like Himself. 

Looking back through all of the hard and difficult places, I can now say with absolute certainty that He was working all things for good. It's taken me a long time to be able to say that & really mean it. And as hard as it is to reflect on that time, I truly believe & trust that it was all for my good & His glory. And I am stronger in every way because of it.

I said before it seemed as though everything I was fighting for came so easily to others. And I think that's exactly it. I was fighting. But for the wrong things.

I was looking for acceptance & love in the wrong places. The desires & calling I was striving for was being held in my closed fist, not trusting the Lord to use them to accomplish His purpose. I was trying to work things out according to my own agenda. I was so focused on myself & I was blaming everyone else for the hurt & pain I was experiencing, rather than examining my own heart & letting my struggle draw me nearer to the Lord. I'm learning that I don't have to ignore that fact that I was wronged or blame myself for everything. And I don't have to pretend that I wasn't hurt. But I've come to understand that isn't the point. Whether or not people hate me or falsely accuse me, I am only responsible for my own heart. And although it took a long time, and I'm still making daily choices to forgive & make peace with others & myself, I'm so grateful the Lord pursued me, & continues to do so, bringing me back to His truth & changing my heart. And that He is still working everything, even my brokenness, for good.

I've made the choice to share this, all this time later, because it is finally coming out of a place of encouragement & hope, rather than out of bitterness & anger. 

So dear friend, whatever struggle you are fighting or if you've given up fighting altogether, whether it be something big or small, I pray this is a message of hope & encouragement to you in this moment.
I know how difficult life becomes in the middle of those hard places, trying to make sense of it all on your own. And I honestly believe that the struggle becomes harder when we try to bear it alone. Suffering in silence weighs you down & destroys you inside. Speaking out lifts a huge weight that allows us to let go & begin to heal.
But hear me, I am not telling you to share your heart with just anyone. There are people who will take advantage of that & do more hurt than help. This is important. Find someone trustworthy, someone who will truly listen, someone who will speak Truth in love to you, point you to Scripture, & walk with you in your struggle.
And whatever you may be experiencing, shame or brokenness, confusion or loneliness, hear this.
It is not a sign of His abandonment. He is with you, & that is a promise. That is His promise. And whether or not it makes sense here on earth, I wholeheartedly believe & want you to know that you can trust His promises & you can trust Him. Trust that He is working all things out, even in the pain, for our good & ultimately for His glory. And sometimes that is all we have to lean on & that's okay.

♡♡

Reflections.

As this past year has come to a close, I'm left amazed at the grace & mercy of my Savior. I've never really taken the time to reflect as I have this year.
The reality that God chose to send the Way that I may have Life and spend eternity with Him, it's an indescribable gift that leaves me speechless & in awe. 

His grace that He has chosen to save me. His mercy in giving me another year on this earth. I cannot take for granted this amazing truth and unbelievable sacrifice.

2017 is a year that I wouldn't want to repeat, but one that has changed me & grown me in ways I never would've imagined. Good and bad, the events of this year are part of who I am today.

The start of the year meant adjusting to life in the States again. Accepting the change that inevitably happens over time & the reality that life continues on even when you're not physically present.

My summer was spent away from home as I had the opportunity to do something I've always wanted, to be a camp counselor. I expected this opportunity to be a great growing experience and stretch me outside of my comfort zone. But to say that this summer challenged me feels like a giant understatement. This was one of the hardest summers of my life. And of all the experiences of this past year, camp & other events of this summer are what changed me the most as I dealt with loneliness, disappointment, discouragement, my selfishness & pride. Crazy doesn't quite explain this summer, but I'm grateful to the Lord for using it all to reveal more of my weaknesses in order to make me stronger. Through the struggles I learned more and more to rely on the Lord and trust Him with all aspects of my life. It's so easy for me to try to control my life, but it doesn't take long for me to remember that I cannot do this on my own. And I experienced this especially this summer as I was reminded in a new way that I cannot change people. I had plans, expectations. I wanted to make an impact in the life of every girl in my cabin, and in the end I believe they had a bigger impact in my life than I had in theirs. I was reminded that I can make plans, but it is Lord who holds it all in His hands. I was reminded that I can speak the gospel & His truths, I can love & invest, but I cannot change situations and more importantly I cannot change hearts. Only He can. And when my heart was breaking for the broken, the lost, the hurting, all I could do was pray and entrust it all to Him. 

This is a short glimpse at the many things that challenged me, and it was certainly a huge part of my growth this year. 

Learning to cry out to the Lord. To run to Him. In my weakness, in my tears, in my own brokenness. 

It is a lesson I continued to learn as the year went on, as it came to an end, and will continue learning in 2018. It's not easy to let go of control. It's not easy to accept change, or deal with unmet expectations. 

Until heaven, I am a work in progress, and I'm so thankful for a gracious & faithful God who never gives up on me, but continues to work in my life and sanctify me in whatever ways He sees best. And because of that truth, despite the trials and struggles we will inevitably walk through, I feel like I can be excited about this year. I can be excited about the coming years. I'm not betting on it being easy. It's gonna be crazy hard. But I know that because He is with me through it all, I will make it through whatever may come.

So with excitement and anticipation I welcome 2018 & everything it holds. 

Here's to another year of growing in faith and trusting the Lord. 

Soli Deo Gloria.

Crazy Faith.

Faith. 

Trust. 

Growing up in church those are two words I've heard over and over. And when you hear something that many times it becomes so common you don't even have to think about what it means. 

I have faith in God. I trust Him. And I really, truly believe that when I say it. 

But over the past few months I've been challenged to discover what those words actually mean. Not just as a thought. But as an action.

..........

As I read Crazy Love this summer, I began to realize just how comfortable I am in my daily life. I rarely do things that take me outside my comfort zone. I don't really take risks. And If I'm completely honest, I hardly ever do anything out of pure faith.

I began to wonder and I asked myself, how often do I step out in complete and total faith?

No "back up plan" just in case God doesn't come through.

The answer to that was one I really didn't want to admit to myself. And then I caught a glimpse of just how terrifying/crazy faith really is.

"We say things like, 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,' and 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart.' Then we live and plan like we don't believe God even exists. We try to set our lives up so everything will be fine even if God doesn't come through. But true faith means holding nothing back. It means putting every hope in God's fidelity to His promises."

And then even as I was being convicted by this, I was struck by an even scarier thought. That being convicted or challenged means nothing if change doesn't happen. Faith without action is literally dead. (James 2:17) It does absolutely no good if we are merely hearers of the Word and not doers. (James 1:22) As Francis Chan writes, when people make changes in their lives..."it carries greater impact than when they merely make impassioned declarations. The world needs Christians who don't tolerate the complacency of their own lives." 

It's so much easier to just make "impassioned declarations". We acknowledge the truth of how we should live. Without any effort we can say things like, "Wow, that's convicting. That's how I need to be living." But unless we honestly examine our hearts and truly repent and change, that talk means nothing. Your life should actually look different.

"Repentance is the sign of true belief. . . . Repent. Change. No one who is yielded to the Holy Spirit can remain the same."

This faith is a scary thing. But it is the very thing we are called to do. To trust in Him and in His promises. 

And this kind of faith also means obedience. Without reservation. 

"We must know that God has called us each to live faithful and devoted lives before Him, by the power of His Spirit, and that we need to live out in our daily lives the love and obedience that God has asked of us."

"Jesus said, 'If you love me, you will obey what I command' (John 14:15). Jesus did not say, 'If you love me you will obey me when you feel called or good about doing so. . . .' If we love, then we obey. Period. This sort of matter-of-fact obedience is part of what it means to live a life of faith."

I'm not called to live a comfortable life. In fact, choosing to follow Him requires the exact opposite.

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matthew 16:25

..........

Do I trust Him enough to live by faith? No back up plan? No plan B? Just straight up faith.

As I have been challenged, I hope this also challenges you. Not just to say, "That was really convicting." But that change would be activated in your life. In our lives. That by the grace of God we would learn what it looks like to fully trust Him. And that we would courageously step out in crazy faith.

"Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." Deuteronomy 7:9

"Your faith in His faithfulness will give you the strength to endure whatever is necessary."

If you haven't read this book before, or it's been a while and, like me, sometimes you just need that reminder to bring you back to the truth, I encourage you to read Crazy Love. 

Crazy Love is a challenge. A challenge to Christians not to become comfortable with lukewarm Christianity. But to examine their hearts and consider what it truly means to follow Christ. 

And If you allow it to, it will change you. 

By His grace, He will change you.

..........

 "How we live our days is . . . how we live our lives." 

Annie Dillard

Alive.

I turned on my phone and tapped on my notes app. I opened a new page and began to type this five letter word.

Alone.

I was feeling so overwhelmed by loneliness and as usually happens when I become overcome by emotion, I write. It's how I clear my head, process my thoughts. It's how I best express my heart.

But as I began to type, instead of "alone" my phone auto-corrected to a different five letter word.

Alive.

I began to delete my mistake, but something stopped me. I had a moment and as simple as it is, I realized…..I'm alive. And there is One responsible for this.

It's not a small thing. It's not an accident. 

Where I had previously felt overwhelmed by a darkness and a feeling of loneliness, I was now overcome with a different emotion.

Tears came to me as I remembered the journey that's brought me to this place. I was reminded of the simple fact that I am alive.

I was reminded of God's goodness and His grace in my life. His unconditional love and forgiveness.

I was feeling so hopeless, so alone, and Jesus took that moment to remind me of all this. To remind me that I am alive.

Here for a reason. Created for a purpose.

He is stronger and more powerful than any darkness or any emotion.

He is greater than my loneliness. And He turns my darkness into light.

He is the reason I am alive and I am far from alone.

My Journey to Uganda. His Story.

 I've been reflecting on my journey to Uganda.

It's hard to not be overwhelmed with the goodness of God.

I look around and all I have, all I am is because of Him.

The journey He took me on to get here to this place was not an easy one. But I love to tell the story because it reflects God. His goodness, His love, His faithfulness, His sovereignty. I love the story because it's His story.

I look back and I see Him.

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I first set foot in this beautiful country a year and a half ago. I loved everything about it. I loved the adventure, traveling with my best friend, the people, the pace of life, the culture, the chance to get to know God in a deeper way, being pushed outside of my comfort zone. I just loved life in Uganda. I left after a short 3 weeks and immediately wanted to go back. I thought, who couldn't fall in love with a place like that! But thought that maybe after some time the excitement would wear off. I would go back to "normal" life. That's not really what I wanted though.
I constantly prayed that God would make it clear where He wanted me to serve Him. Whether that be at home or overseas, Africa or somewhere else, and I waited on Him, although very impatiently at times.
I had been home for a couple months and Africa was on my mind everyday. I was wondering if maybe, God had given me this desire for a reason. If He was placing this thought in my mind, this dream in my heart. It seemed crazy. It's not something I ever imagined myself doing. Not until a year and a half ago. So I kept praying, asking God, Is this really where you want me to go? Is this really what you want me to do? Where you want me to serve You? Lord, make the desires of your heart, my heart. If my desire to return to Uganda is not from your heart, take it away.
The thought never left.
And then there was this program, One Step. Paul Hunter had first mentioned it to me when I was in Uganda. A 3 month intercultural, relational, discipleship program. I wasn't really sure about One Step, but it also kept coming to mind.
All of this. It was constantly on my mind, I was constantly talking to God. Eventually I decided to talk to my parents. It was the first of several discussions and conversations. I had only been home a few months. They had concerns. 3 months is a long time. What would I do about my job? I'd be gone during the school year. What would my students do? All valid questions. Questions I'd been thinking about for the past 3 months. Dad and Mom said they'd talk about it and pray about it. After some time, we sat down and they said no. They didn't want me to go. I had a really hard time accepting and understanding that. Why would God give me this desire, why did I feel so strongly that He wanted me to go, and why then would He tell my parents something different? I became angry, hurt, confused, and I no longer knew what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I felt lost. I spent the next 5 months struggling with these thoughts, these questions. Why do I feel God telling me one thing and my parents telling me another? Why are the two not lining up? People would ask me why I couldn't just go. I can't count how many times people told me, You're an adult. Why don't you just make your own decision? But I knew that I had to honor my parents. Unfortunately, I did it because I felt I had to, not because I wanted to.
Through all of my struggling and wrestling, trying to understand what I was supposed to be doing, I kept praying. That's all I felt I could do. I had completely closed off all communication with my parents. I never spoke to them about Africa. I barely spoke to them at all.
Over those few months, God taught me more and more what it really looked like to trust Him. To truly trust Him with everything. I felt that I had reached a dead end. I had hit a wall that I couldn't climb and I couldn't get around. More months went by, and as much as I prayed that God would take away my dream of returning to Africa, it just wouldn't go away. Again I was confused. Why couldn't I stop thinking about Uganda? Why was One Step on my mind? This dream was impossible. My parents already said no. It was final.
I remember one specific night. I had traveled to Idaho to visit my best friend, Rose. I happened to be there the same weekend Paul and Pam Hunter and their daughter Rebecca were visiting her church to promote Next Generation Ministries and the One Step program. It was the first time I had a chance to sit down and talk with Rose since we had returned from Uganda 4 months earlier. I was finally able to share with her everything that had been going on. She cried with me. Encouraged me. We then sat through church that evening and listened to Paul's presentation. It made me miss Uganda like crazy, but I also felt completely hopeless. I felt I had hit the bottom. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I felt completely drained. I couldn't go on like this anymore.
I went back home and after weeks and weeks of praying about it, I decided I had to talk to my parents again. I was afraid to speak to them. Afraid they would be offended that I hadn't forgotten about Africa and moved on. To my surprise, they said it had also been on their minds and they had been praying about it. They said that they would talk about it again. It wasn't a yes, but I was overjoyed. There was hope. But more than that, I realized just how closed off I had become and coming to talk to my parents opened up communication with them again. I think that's what brought me so much peace. I realized just how much I needed them. Their wisdom, their counsel. God just revealed to me this deep appreciation and love for them and it brought so much comfort to my troubled, confused mind. I had distanced myself so much that it has taken a bit of time to restore relationships, but God has blessed me beyond belief with parents who love me with an unconditional love. And I can't express how much they mean to me. It was another lesson that God taught me through it all. I looked back over the past several months and I realized what He was doing. I had to learn to be satisfied in Him. I needed to learn to trust Him. He wanted to grow my relationship and teach me to love and appreciate my parents.
After a couple more months, my parents came to me. They told me that I could go. They said if this is really something I wanted to do, if I wanted to enroll in One Step, they would support me. That phrase right there. We will support you. I had prayed specifically for that. I didn't want for them to just tell me that they would be ok if I went. I wanted their support. When I heard my dad speak those words, I knew God was in this. He was opening doors. And I was overwhelmed with thankfulness. I remember going to my room, kneeling on the floor, and crying. Praising the Lord. Thanking Him. Not just for making a way for me to return to Uganda, but for loving and caring for me enough to not say yes. Not when I wanted it. He said no so I could grow. He was preparing me. He is an incredibly good Father. His love is overwhelming and so hard to comprehend.

It was February. I was more excited than I could express. I had just learned that I would actually be returning to where I left a piece of my heart. God had answered all of my prayers that I had prayed over the past 9 months. It almost seemed to good to be true.
But the very next day, everything changed. All the excitement disappeared and was instead replaced by fear and doubt. This is crazy. What am I thinking leaving for 3 months? Traveling by myself. Living in another culture. Living with a bunch of people I don't even know. Leaving my family who had become so dear to me. Leaving the comfort and safety of my familiar surroundings. I can't do this. These thoughts messed with me for months.
There were times I would feel excited. Talking to friends in Uganda and hearing them say how they couldn't wait to see me again, that made me excited. But for the most part, I was really scared. Terrified that I was making the wrong decision. I battled that fear and doubt and continued to prepare to leave in September knowing that I had wanted this for so long and God had opened all the doors for me to go. But I kept second guessing my decision. I now realize those thoughts were from the enemy.

Yes, this is where I'm supposed to be. It took all the way until stepping off the plane in Uganda for me to realize this.
This is where I am supposed to be. And here I am.
I am so thankful for a God who knows what's best for me. Who withholds the things that I think I want to give me something better.
I still don't know what my future holds after One Step. But I am content knowing He holds my life in His hands. And His plans are so much greater than I could even desire.

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That is a small part of His story that continues unfolding daily. But I felt like sharing how I got here, how amazing God is in how He works, and I hope it blesses you in some way. :)

Psalm 115:1.

Tanzania.

We have a really exciting opportunity. God has presented the One Step team with a chance to travel to Tanzania!

I think I speak for everyone on the team when I say that we're EXCITED. Very excited. :) To travel, to share the gospel and spread love of God outside of our community, to see the incredible things the Lord has in store for us.
I can't say what, but I know whatever He's going to do is going to be BIG.

We'll be leaving November 1st for a 4-day mission in Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania. Because we only became aware of this opportunity within the last few weeks, we are working on raising the funds needed for our team of 18. We have a goal of $3,000 which will cover travel, accommodations, food, vaccinations, visas. This is an amazing opportunity to be able to minister to the people of Tanzania, and it's also an opportunity for us to trust in the Lord for His provision. It's a lot to prepare in only 2 weeks! But I'm really excited to see how the Lord provides for all our needs as we follow Him to Tanzania. :)

If you would like to help support us in this mission, please check out our fundraising page here.
Share the link or this post and let people know about what the Lord is doing here in One Step!

And we would love if you'd join us in prayer as we trust in Him and prepare for this mission. :)

Thank you all for the continued support!

Psalm 115:1.

Whirlwind.

I can't quite believe that it's been a month. Four weeks have flown by. We are already one-third of our way through this journey.

God has been challenging us. Growing us. Empowering us. Changing lives.

I think it's safe to say that for many of us, this experience has been the start of something new. A place where healing begins. Where walls are being broken down. We are learning about where our identity lies. Learning who God has created us to be. Powerful people. Strong people. A people who are motivated by love and not by fear. We are no longer orphans. We are children of the Most High God.

That's just a quick summary in one short paragraph. :)

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I love Uganda. I love this community. I love the people. I love life here.

When I think back over the past year and a half, I can't help praising God. Getting here did not feel like an easy journey. But this is where He wanted me to be at this moment and every time I get to share my story, I just glorify Him. He is so good. So faithful.

I will share more in depth later. Life is busy and flying by at unbelievable speeds.
But I will be sharing more in the weeks to come. I just wanted to post a quick update.

I'm alive. And God is working in mighty ways. :)

Psalm 115:1.